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Donald Trump has apparently appointed a “SWAT team” of business executives in an effort to make the government more efficient. Great idea! Who doesn’t want more efficiency? In that vein, a few humble suggestions on how the U.S. federal government could become more efficient by learning from the private sector experience:

  • Offshore all jobs below the C-level (chief executive officer, chief financial officer, etc.) to India and China.

  • Create a Department of Mergers and Acquisitions (M&A) and empower its Secretary to buy underperforming countries and fire their leaders. Past experience has shown this to be far more economical than conventional warfare.

  • Spin off all profit-making government divisions (e.g., Department of Motor Vehicles, Internal Revenue Service) as limited-liability companies (LLCs), then float an initial public offering (IPO) for each LLC using a reputable Wall Street brokerage. (I’m sure they exist—just can’t offhand think of one.) Award senior staff large numbers of shares in the LLC to reward performance. Junior staff can buy them at a fair price from a broker. That’s the power of the market!

  • Require all remaining (post-spinoff) government divisions to operate with a balanced budget. Where funding is inadequate, said divisions will be required to sell bonds and use the proceeds to cover their expenses.

  • All government divisions will be treated as legal “persons”. As a result, all C-level staff will be immune to prosecution for their mistakes. Not that they would make any.

  • To discourage M&A activity by hostile competitors (e.g., Russia), the United States should take on a massive debt load (a so-called poison pill). Hey... this one’s already accomplished!

  • To increase economic efficiency, the top 1% of government wage earners will pay no taxes. To encourage greater efforts by said individuals, incentive pay will also be provided: said earners will receive 25% of the departmental budget surplus as an incentive to improve budgetary performance.

  • Establish offshore accounts for all minister- and secretary-level posts and all deputy- and assistant deputy-level posts to facilitate tax audits.

  • Establish a Confucian-style competency test for all minister- and secretary-level posts and all deputy- and assistant deputy-level posts, as was done during the greatest age of China. Dismiss any prospective employee capable of passing the test. Status: good thus far, but a work in progress.

  • Rebrand the Environmental Protection Agency by changing its name to E’ to reflect the agency’s new focus on protecting the environment in all cases where such protections don’t reduce corporate profits.

  • Establish lobbying offices in the executive suites of all Fortune 500 companies to encourage the implementation of policies favorable to government leaders.

  • Insist on private sector–funded protection of all government employees who are conducting business in potentially hostile foreign countries where the private sector operates.

  • Empower the NSA to wiretap all cell phones used by government employees, and to implement random confiscation of personal cell phones so that their contents can be inspected for treasonable activity.

  • Empower the Department of the Interior to implement random cavity searches of all visitors to federal workplaces.

  • Eliminate the glass ceiling by 2020 by eliminating all female employees.

  • Rather than building demonstrably ineffective walls to exclude undesirables, purchase Mexico and Canada and deport their citizens. Maybe France will take them?


  • You know what’s really scary about these suggestions? (1) They’re not beyond the realm of possibility in the alternate reality Trump has thrown us into and (2) some readers of this blog post will actually take them seriously and try to implement them. The horror!

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